This is for everyone who ever held my heart, whether they know it or not.....
I never saw any of you coming. Due to being mature so early, I discovered love at the tender ages of 11-13. You came in seasons when I was not even looking for anyone or anything. I wasn’t looking for love, for affirmation, for adoption, and yet you came and my heart became sensitive. I was afraid of what I felt because I thought it made me weak, not realizing it takes courage and strength to embrace Agape love that sometimes shift into loving someone like family or even romantic love. I went through more rejection than I could ever count, so at first when you came, I thought it would be safe. However, unfortunately I should have known there was no way it would ever be reciprocated.
Many of you are so amazing because you gently placed my heart down without crushing it or breaking it, and compassionately letting me know that there was no way it could be a reality, and I respect you for that! There are a few, who unfortunately I almost did not survive my glass heart being shattered as it was thrown at the wall in the room of rejection. There is one in particular from a few years ago who almost made me lose myself when they broke me.
Unfortunately, they will never get a chance to read this due to the deep hatred that was developed for me for having a heart for them, and I may never see or hear from them ever again. I want to tell this specific person, I’m sorry that I wasn’t the standard for you and your friends. I’m sorry that I got so caught up for you. And I’m sorry I never got the chance to tell you I love you. You deserved to hear me say it even if it would be shoved back into my mouth. The closest I’ll ever get is the last hug we shared when I asked you out, before you changed your mind and hardened your heart towards me. I haven’t had a hug like that since.
My inability to move on from you cost me a lot of time and money, especially because the enemy poisoned me with fear and anxiety, so it was only a matter of time before my inability to work and study would force me to be removed from school. And I am still healing from those same wounds until this day. However, somehow I still pray for you and I choose to forgive you daily. What happened was not your fault, but the built up rejection from everyone before you caused me to break. I hope wherever you are, that the Lord blesses you and orders your steps, and that you will have the greatest love you could ever find!
To the ones who grabbed my heart unintentionally after the hardest heartbreak to date, I was so vulnerable after that experience that I felt for the smallest thing! Even though it wasn’t meant to be anything else, the way your words, prayers, and always making me feel special helped aid in my healing, and gave me hope to believe in love again. The mature conversations of being able to say how I felt without you running away or canceling the friendship showed me that I don’t have to be afraid of rejection anymore. That it’s okay to love, that it’s ok to wonder and pray and consider with God if something can happen. Feelings are nothing to be afraid or ashamed of, for they show the purity and strength of your heart. To be able to still feel love after you have been broken is brave, and it is a testimony to the Lord keeping your heart warm and strong instead of becoming cold and stony.
Do I regret how I ever felt for any of you? Honestly, no, I don’t. I’m glad I loved you when I did. Even if it wasn’t meant to be, many of you had characteristics, traits and contagious kindness and sincerity that all have shaped the image of the queen that I will one day look for when I am ready. It cost me some tears and some sleep, and even some prayers and emotional investment, but I know every seed I sow was not in vain. Every seed of love I sowed shall come in the form of a love that heals, a love that affirms, and a love that reflects how my God loves me! Thank you for being you, whether it helped me or hurt me, for now I have a clear view of who I want and need from my King.
To the one I have yet to meet.......
Whether I never met you, or you are someone who the Lord must open my eyes to who was there all along, I pray for you every day. I pray that I will be ready for you and whatever glory and authority you carry in the Lord. I want to be your biggest earthly supporter and invest into all your God ordained dreams and ambitions! I saw our children many times already in our dreams, and they are so beautiful, but He purposely never let me see you yet. I pray when I cross your path, or when God opens our eyes to eachother, that we won’t be afraid. Like it says in Romans 8, life nor death, height or depth, secret or shortcoming, size or age, state or continent, separate us from the love of God and the love He shall call us to have for eachother. I love you in advance, and I look forward to your arrival. I hope you will be my one and only successful love, and that my search will be over.
These are the songs I sing when in prayer concerning the relationships of everyone around me! May you be blessed by the Best, the source of all love, Jesus! 🧡🔥
7 Days by Deitrick Haddon
You Are My Strength by Deitrick Haddon
Beautiful Soul by Deitrick Haddon
God Looks Good On You
I’m In Love With You by Fred Hammond
Close to You by Bebe Winans
I’m the One by Deitrick Haddon
Wanna Be Happy by Kirk Franklin